Want To Get Better At Asking For What You Want?

I’ve got a key tip that will help the other person will hear you out all while minimizing conflict.

Tip: Use “I language” instead of “you language.”

“I language” involves framing the request from your own perspective, instead of describing what you don’t like from the other person. “I language” describes the desired behavior instead of the undesired behavior. It is non-blaming. Here are some examples:

Example 1: 

I language: “I’d appreciate it if you picked up your laundry” 

You language: “You never pick up your laundry”

Example 2:

I language: “I’d like it if we put our phones away during dinner” 

You language: “You’re always on your phone”

Example 3: 

I language: “I feel like we could use some quality time together soon”

You language: “You never spend any time with me”

Using “I language” shares accurately what your need is without blaming the other person. When we use “I language”, the other person is much less likely to feel defensive, get upset, shut down, or otherwise not hear you out.

By using I language, you share what you want, while helping the other person feel open to hearing your request. It keeps the blame out of the equation. Everyone gets to feel good about what you’re saying.